178931_10151741102125647_1559730428_nYou said business casual right?

Congratulations! You have been shortlisted for the job as Jamaican Uptown Royalty (JUR) please read and make sure you are fully aware of the guidelines and expectations below :

Sample Weekly Schedule.

Welcome to Jamaica ladies and gents! where with surnames like ours its always “no problem mon!”The first step to being a part of UPTOWN INC is keeping on good bank balances terms with your family. This includes your nuclear fam, as well as ex fam, step fam, and 3rd wife relations fam AND every puss dog and mongoose that claims you as a “cousin”. This will mean putting in a few hours of work at your family or family friend’s business. Remember! Just because you are guaranteed to have seen your boss drunk one million times once or twice at a couple hundred functions doesn’t mean you can slack off!

If your family is successful and plans on staying that way, you will be given absolute bitch work tough entry level job to humble you so that you don’t fuck up struggle when you eventually become CEO. Because lets face it after a life time of pampering – the last thing any of us are is humble!


With that being said: If you are still in school, you should be improving your resume at a limited list of acceptable boarding schools and college that cost enough to lift the Jamaican economy out of debt!  At these schools you will be expected to do all that weird shit “experimenting” that would get the neighbors gossiping at home. Ignorance is bliss friends! Just tell mommy “every things great!” when she asks how classes are going okay?

If you accept the UPTOWN INC position. Female employees will spend their mornings gym-ing so hard people will be wondering who what caused them to limp. Some mornings you will alternate with namaste-ing the fuck out at yoga and maybe some casual horseback riding because horses are expensive so effing cute!

While you are building character at your job it is expected that you will spend at least a few hours a day begging people to bring you clothes and products from the 1st world online shopping! If you are potential male employee it is required to have the latest drone accessory to film yourself while you jetski at your country villa! Don’t forget to upload! #hardlife #somebodysgottadoit #wokeupinparadise.


Yaadman bad inna real life!

If you get the job, you will be given a car by your family the company. Not as nice as your parents benz but close enough! As you drive to work you will see at least 12 other people who knew you from you used to shit in diapers. You will only mantain your sanity if you wear sunglasses from a limited list of acceptable high end eyewear to avoid eye contact the fashionable way!

Social events are mandatory for UPTOWN INC employees. During the week you will be expected to have lunch/dinner with your grandparents where female employee will be  loudly subtly told their careers are not important and asked if they have met anyone nice yet. You will also be expected to attend several social events with your parents where you will be expected to not get too drunk and small talk! Please practice reaching into the abysses of your brain to try and find something to talk about uncle so and so about!

NOTE – At all functions UPTOWN INC employees are required to pretend with full accuracy that didn’t face a blunt on the car ride over! No red eyes for page 2 of the newspaper!


Once you are done with your social obligations of the week you will spend your following free afternoons on your verandah staring at a tree/sea/bush and avoiding the crap out of everyone. Several nights a week you will be required to have family dinner with your siblings and parents except your dad because he’s off with his other family on a work trip.

NOTE – All UPTOWN INC employees residences are all designed to look like an Mexican/Balinese flower bush vomited on the interior and will have at least one coy pond. Why Jamaican people love a waterfall so we don’t understand but hey pumping water 24 hours a day is expensive beautiful!

Remember all participants have equal opportunity for being hired! Lol jk you have to born into this shit

Also please bear in mind once you have submitted your application – either your in or we kick you out your out! There is no grey area on this yacht! Please send your application to the email on the home page!


UPT INC (R)rs_578x749-150305094408-634-harvard-rejection-letter

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